Unravelings

 I fear my voice.

No, I fear the reactions of others against me should I use my voice where it can be heard. I fear abandonment and betrayal as a cost of the unpopularity of my viewpoint. I see differently. I am fucking over bypassing. I need to use language to freely process what feels true and what Truth may be found, wherever it may be found.

Underneath is another well-aged belief: nobody wants to hear any of it anyway, by default, before the first word, regardless of views expressed or avoided or curated or even properly spin-packaged to a shiny positive finish. 

There they are, my parents, right there in those fears. One is dead, the other banished by her own pathology. And here we still are.

I'm tired of the dissonance between the "cult of the individual," as Karen KJ Sassypants Hawkwood calls it, and real human experience. Yes, I am whole unto self. And, I am whole unto self as a creature of community. The species that remains dependent on adult providers for the longest period on the planet. The species that dies in infancy if contact is not provided. The species that thrives only through synergy.

"Needing to be seen and heard is coming from your wounded ego and sourcing externally when you Should be internally sourced. Give yourself the sense of being seen and heard. Support yourself from within and be free of the need for any damn body for any damn thing."

Eh

Self-hugs close the biofeedback loop in a way that just isn't the same. Everybody knows it. 

Then there's the whole thing of who grows my food. I.e., everybody needs somebody.

It's an equilibrium point perhaps, a center around which to consider which needs can be met from within and which are community needs.

Then I get into trust, transaction, expectation, and the complex dynamics by which exchange in community can become valuable enough and carry acceptable enough boundaries to be worth the risk of rejection, abandonment, betrayal or attack. 

Then I want to head for the woods.

Tired of That Look that says, ohhhh, chronic pain. You're Not Spiritual. You must Not Be Doing It Right because positive thinking and yoga and western Buddhism. I see you with compassion, and by compassion I mean spiritual superiority.

Tired actually of catching myself giving a fuck when I don't want to care, ever, at least not as soon as I see That Look.

Tired of the never to be answered question of blame that I react into given half a chance.

Did I manifest a drunk driver to total the car I rode in so I could live with this pain? Did he manifest the car I was in so he could stop driving drunk before he killed someone? Do we have to make there be a spiritual reason for an accident?

Because that whole thing about you sat down to a detailed contract.... No. I got a general offer. The mission was to go in and Be Me with optimal love and integrity. I said yes.

That is all.

Chiron was wounded BY ACCIDENT. The gods didn't plan it for the highest good. He didn't take it on mission. It was *an accident* that happened *while he was in aligned service.*